Official Guide to Stuff I’ve Written For the Onion News Network thus far

DISCLAIMER: People hear that I write for the Onion, and they ask me to read articles that I’ve written.  To clarify, I haven’t written any articles for the Onion, because: (1.) Their articles are written by staff writers, and I am merely a contributing writer and (2.) I write for the video site, a.k.a. the Onion News Network, not the paper.

As a result, my contributions to the Onion have not been in article or even script form, but primarily in headline jokes that appear in the newscrawl at the bottom of their web videos.

Below are the jokes I’ve written that the Onion has deemed good enough to use, accompanied by the links to the videos in which you can find them.  If you’re interested in seeing everything I’ve written that the Onion has NOT used, give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you all 3 .zip files.  Thanks for reading!

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Happening Now: Iowa gathering around desktop computer to write angry e-mail

http://www.theonion.com/video/iron-man-2-buzz-heats-up-over-rumors-gwyneth-paltr,17275/ [Found at: 0:33]

 

Perverted FDA official advises women to eat bananas more slowly

http://www.theonion.com/video/stouffers-to-include-suicide-prevention-tips-on-si,17129/ [Found at 0:26]

 

Prince Harry calls feature-length documentary about holocaust was a lie ‘regrettable slip up’

http://www.theonion.com/video/dea-recruits-lil-wayne-to-use-up-all-drugs-in-mexi,14387/ [Found at 0:06]

 

Regis Philbin announces plans to outlive you

http://www.theonion.com/video/us-condemned-for-preemptive-use-of-hillary-clinton,14367/ [Found at 0:17]

 

New Study: ‘Prolonged Unemployment’ now top fear among men, surpassing ‘severing dick vein’

http://www.theonion.com/video/trekkies-bash-new-star-trek-film-as-fun-watchable,14333/ [Found at 0:39]

 

Treasury Secretary Geithner announces he is trying to remember details of dream in which he saved economy

http://www.theonion.com/video/obama-drastically-scales-back-goals-for-america-af,14343/ [Found at 0:15]

 

A new study finds that in 2025 American children will be too obese to ride hoverboards

http://www.theonion.com/video/obama-drastically-scales-back-goals-for-america-af,14343/ [Found at 2:32 (Spoken)]

 

And…scene!

What I’ve Been Up To

Hello,

Believe it or not, I’ve been lambasted for not blogging here enough.  So, Mom, here’s a quick update on what I’ve been up to:

• Stand-up comedy: After about a year or two of deliberation, I recently decided to start doing stand-up.  Please check back for upcoming shows on the yet-to-be-added Shows page.
• Contributing for the “Onion Sports Network” TV show: Thanks to the Onion and their new sports news parody show which premieres on Comedy Central in January ’11, I have scored my first job writing for television.  A proud moment, or it would be, if I didn’t do all my writing at home in my underwear whilst covered in KFC Double Down grease.
• Co-writing Episode Seven of 9 AM Meeting: Dan McCoy and I (mostly Dan) are working feverishly to grind out a new episode in time for Channel 101 NY‘s July screening.  If you’re in the NYC Metropolitan area, you should come.  We need your votes!
• Writing new sketches: My sketch comedy group, Mr. Whitepants’ Comedy Hour, is planning a new live show for the fall.  Stay tuned for details on that, Mom!
• Sweating: I’ve been sweating a lot.  It’s disgusting.

New Headline In ONN News Crawl!

This very funny Onion News Network video was not written or conceived by me, but I did write the headline that appears in the newscrawl at 0:30!

The video:

Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals

In case you missed it, the joke written by me: “Perverted FDA Official Advises Women to Eat Bananas More Slowly”

Ah, blowjobs.

GOODNIGHT SEATTLE, WE LOVE YOU!

9 AM Meeting, Episode Six: A Leg Up

THE QUARTERLY DEVASTATOR

Hello!

I wrote an article in a brand new quarterly anthology entitled, “The Devastator”. Other contributors include actor James Urbaniak (The Venture Brothers, American Splendor), cartoonists David Malki! (Wondermark) and R. Sikoryak (Masterpiece Comics). But before this amazing and brilliant project can come to fruition, it needs your donations to make it happen. So whether you’re a millionaire tycoon reading this in the northeast “wifi wing” of your mansion, or a hobo on borrowed time at the Apple Store in SoHo, please take a moment to donate to this exciting endeavor!

9 AM Meeting, Episode Five: Tea For Two

This episode earned the highest voter share at last night’s Channel 101 NY screening, making it the number one show for the fifth straight month!  NOT TOO SHABBY!  AM I RIGHT, FOLKS?

Excuse me, does anyone know which way to the nearest castl–oh, nevermind.

Channel 101 Bonus Video!

In addition to our fourth 9 AM Meeting installment, Dan McCoy and I also appeared in another show at Channel 101:NY’s February screening: the third episode of Escape Pod Films’ hilarious “Stryker Files” series. Watch!

9 AM Meeting, Episode Four: Taxicab Confessions

9 AM Meeting’s website is live!

Click on cartoon Dan and Matt to visit!

The official website of my and Dan McCoy’s webseries 9 AM Meeting has just launched.  Check it out at 9AMMeeting.com !