Official Guide to Stuff I’ve Written For the Onion News Network thus far

DISCLAIMER: People hear that I write for the Onion, and they ask me to read articles that I’ve written. To clarify, I haven’t written any articles for the Onion, because: (1.) Their articles are written by staff writers, and I am merely a contributing writer and (2.) I write for the video site, a.k.a. the Onion News Network, not the paper.

As a result, my contributions to the Onion have not been in article or even script form, but primarily in headline jokes that appear in the newscrawl at the bottom of their web videos.

Below are the jokes I’ve written that the Onion has deemed good enough to use, accompanied by the links to the videos in which you can find them. If you’re interested in seeing everything I’ve written that the Onion has NOT used, give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you all 3 .zip files. Thanks for reading!

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Happening Now: Iowa gathering around desktop computer to write angry e-mail

http://www.theonion.com/video/iron-man-2-buzz-heats-up-over-rumors-gwyneth-paltr,17275/ [Found at: 0:33]

Perverted FDA official advises women to eat bananas more slowly

http://www.theonion.com/video/stouffers-to-include-suicide-prevention-tips-on-si,17129/ [Found at 0:26]

Prince Harry calls feature-length documentary about holocaust was a lie ‘regrettable slip up’

http://www.theonion.com/video/dea-recruits-lil-wayne-to-use-up-all-drugs-in-mexi,14387/ [Found at 0:06]

Regis Philbin announces plans to outlive you

http://www.theonion.com/video/us-condemned-for-preemptive-use-of-hillary-clinton,14367/ [Found at 0:17]

New Study: ‘Prolonged Unemployment’ now top fear among men, surpassing ‘severing dick vein’

http://www.theonion.com/video/trekkies-bash-new-star-trek-film-as-fun-watchable,14333/ [Found at 0:39]

Treasury Secretary Geithner announces he is trying to remember details of dream in which he saved economy